could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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