"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
