Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He better not be in your backpack
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
