I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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