Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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