Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
