I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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