i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
