I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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