I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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