I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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