I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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