On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
