You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
