Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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