He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
