Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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