I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
