So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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