Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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