you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
