seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
we should paint friendship bongs
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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