Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
40s are totally the cure
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
