Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
