first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
