one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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