She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
