Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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