cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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