I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I looked at my own cervix.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
