We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize