Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
