Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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