I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
His nipple licking is glorious
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