i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
