My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize