and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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