theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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