false alarm. still invincible.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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