Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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