Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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