I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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