he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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