I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
