I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
