I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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