in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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