if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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