69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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