come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
