If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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