"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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