Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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