Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
