so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
