I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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