WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
