everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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