if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize