I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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