So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
