My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
