What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
