Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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