idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
