ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
